Like a Newborn
Being dependent on others for food and shelter, taking lots of naps, not understanding much, and observing a lot as the brain forms new connections. Does this describe a baby or a 23-year-old in Bulgaria for the first time??
I would say both! I've been feeling like a newborn which is both a beautiful and hard thing. I don't remember my first experience of being birthed (I think I should praise God for that), but I can imagine the intense sensations because stepping into life in a new country, culture, and language is a kind of rebirth I'll never forget. In nursing school, I got the privilege of seeing babies come earth-side and comforting mothers through the tension of labor pains and joys. The process of birth has helped me understand life transitions in a new way that I'm grateful for, and I love how such seemingly different human experiences can actually be quite relatable.
When a baby is on the way, anticipation and excitement build. Similarly, I had been planning on moving to Bulgaria for a year before the plane tickets were bought, so the excitement I felt to finally go was exhilarating. Then, as moving day approached, I felt a sense of loss and grief for the life I would leave in Houston as I pursued my life in Bulgaria. I don't how babies feel about leaving the comfort and nurture of a womb, but from their cries at birth we know it is no small thing, yet what awaits on the other side is still a loving and nurturing presence alongside the great unknowns. So much of my walk with Jesus has looked like stepping out of my comfort zones, and I’ve been in awe of every time those steps have led to things that are better than I could have imagined for myself.
This brings me to attachment. Those first moments of life are precious for bonding and regulating a newborn's physical and mental well-being, and I have been beyond blessed to attach to safe and loving people here in Bulgaria. These new friends have taken me in and attended to my needs, showing me God's compassion and care in their hospitality. And so, like a child, I will grow. I can expect growing pains, but I can also expect the joy of learning and understanding more and more each day. While in this stage, I'm learning to have grace for myself and my learning process, especially when I google translate the same word again and again in Bulgarian because I can't seem to remember. It is a humbling stage, but it reminds me of how much more our savior embodied humility; Jesus came as an infant, divine and human, "and being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross" for our sake (Philippians 2:8). Because Jesus loved me, he humbled himself to have an eternal relationship with me. To him, I bow.