Vulnerability in the Hills and Valleys
Vulnerability. What does it feel like in your body? Do your shoulders tense up, does your brain grow foggy or on edge, does your heart race in your chest, does your mouth get dry and stuttering seem inevitable? Brené Brown defines vulnerability as, “the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”* The very real fear of uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure tells our bodies, “uh-oh, beware of whatever this is because we may have to dash out of here or put up our fists!” In other words, fight or flight. When I experience vulnerability’s physical consequences in the face of uncertainty and risk, like moving to a new country or climbing a rock wall, they make sense to me. There are unknowns galore that a cross-cultural exchange brings and blatant risks of falling when you climb. But what about emotional exposure? This case often surprises me.
My uneven breathing, pounding heart and shaky hands are dead give-aways to vulnerability when I am emotionally exposed, and they seem to catch me off-guard every time. Whether I am amongst good friends or even before the Lord in prayer, these telltale signs let me know that whatever I’m feeling or sharing is entangled in the fear that perhaps my experience may not be worthy, or worse, that I may not be loved or belong. Praise be to the Lord that I’ve grown in understanding God’s deep love for me, and letting that sink in has made my journey with vulnerability one that I am willing to go on rather than running or hiding away from. I have also been blessed with friends who listen with compassion and curiosity, allowing me the time and space to take deep breaths while my body catches up to the reality that I’m safe. After this year’s hike, I wondered, how often do we get to be in such a space to share, experience this emotional exposure, and be heard?
The hike this year was called Hills & Valleys: A Spiritual Journey, and throughout each day, every person got to share their experience of life and God to the extent they wanted to share. One afternoon, it was my good friend’s turn to share, yet she was hesitant and couldn't quite pin down why. I have known her to be one of my most open and deep friends in Bulgaria because of the trust we’ve built, so I was surprised that such an environment had given her pause. In her sharing time, tears flowed unexpectedly - you’ve been there right, when a particular memory strikes a cord and the waterworks unleash without consent, leaving you confused and maybe even embarrassed. Well, I have, and those on the hike I’m sure had too, because with loving and understanding eyes, we sat peaceably in the silence then thanked our friend for sharing. We later had a good conversation about how vulnerable, yet sweet, it is to be in a space where others give you the time and attention to share your story.
There is something powerful about stepping into that vulnerability. I’m not sure it ever gets easier, and the fear in our bodies still shows up, but we show up too. When I step into vulnerability, I am seen for the parts of me that I’m uncertain about, it is a risk, and I feel exposed. But to be met in that space with love - yeah, that’s powerful. My prayer is that the God who sees me with so much love would continue to show the way in which we can do that for others too, and perhaps more often.
*Brown, Brené (2020). The Dare to Lead Glossary Key Languages, Skills, Tools, and Practices. PDF File: file:///C:/Users/maria/Downloads/Glossary-of-Key-Language-Skills-and-Tools-from-DTL_092221-1%20(1).pdf